The Dream Weaver’s blog

I have all these ideas building up inside of me, wanting to take a form of expression. But, because I haven’t acted on any of them. They have turned against me, creating a chaotic inner world instead of what they once represented- a rich inner world.

But what is stopping me from creating?

In the new age psychotherapy, my diagnosis will be – the fear of failure, the fear of rejection, and the fear of being seen. But what I actually fear is being too busy and not having enough time to rest.

Some of these fears are valid, though. From 2013-2018, I was enrolled in a university while raising my daughter and working part-time. While attending the Fashion Institute of Technology, I was in classes from 9-8 pm, and doing homework from 10 pm until 3 am.

This year I turned 37, and I feel tired, like really exhausted. At this point, anything that requires intense labor triggers me into a fawn response.

I know dying isn’t an option, so the next step is working with what little energy I have to create the life I desire.

The most challenging thing is working with my inner critic, who over the years has grown out of my control, and is constantly watching my every move, replaying scenes where it perceives a missed opportunity.

This year, we have developed better coping skills and have been diligently observing the inner self-talk, so whenever the bully arrives, we can watch it and not identify with it.

My goals are still important to me, but they don’t have to be achieved through abusive motivation.

I want to go back to the state of wonder and childlike excitement. This is the place I want to create from, and not from lack or need.

Instead of using my fashion degree to design clothing. I think I’d rather focus on creating whimsical items like stuffed animals, bedding, and pajamas.

I don’t think there’s a better coping mechanism than my bed and a good comfort show. So, I plan on spending my life creating things that will enhance my nest. If you’re wondering about my zodiac sign, I am a Pisces—I sleep to deal with reality.

For my first project, I want to design bedding that evokes a “Lay with Me” vibe—something that reminds me of my favorite childhood character’s bedroom.

You know the wall paper, the striped PJs the fluffy slipper, the canopy over the bed. Something that screams “COZY”.

I will begin by doing research, I plan on going to the library and checking out some of my favorite childhood books, like Fancy Nancy, Peter Rabbit, Brambly Hedge, and Frog and Toad.

I want frills, patchwork, gathers, colors like blue prink, green together. I just want something whimsical.

Let me begin.

Heres a phrase I used to say all the time when I was teenager-

Holla at you later!

I keep hearing, “MOM, MOM, MOM,” as I walk around my apartment.

My daughter left for college this fall. I was expecting a reasonable amount of sadness and nostalgia, but I wasn’t prepared to hear the echoes of her voice around the house. No one prepares you for the empty nest syndrome experienced after your only child packs up to leave for college.

I spend most of my days in her room, lying on her bed, watching anime. I tell my boyfriend that I must keep her spirit alive in her room. It’s the only way to deal with what isn’t really loss but rapid change. Change that feels like loss because everything is different.

My life since the age of 17 has been wrapped around her; every decision was made with her in mind. Even my pursuit of becoming a fashion designer and going back to school at the age of 23 was made to make sure she had a future I could provide for.

And even as that dream was stripped away by the disenchantment of the industry and the low wages they provide, I still have hope that my art and skills could, in the near future, provide the lifestyle of our dreams.